I’d say a majority of my posts, probably all my posts are optimistic, upbeat, positive, and reinforcing, but Friday was a pretty bad day for me.
It set me back quite a bit. I’m not going to go into details because in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is that being a DV survivor is how you bounce back and realize that you’ll have moments like this in life.
I haven’t had a bad day like that in approximately 14 months. The one on Friday was over a miscommunication between myself and another individual. The screaming began. Not me but him. I froze. My legs were like cement. I felt like I was actually going to faint. I listened and barely spoke and after that 3 minutes of that horrific moment, just like that, it was over.
I don’t post about being a domestic violence survivor because number one, I hate pity parties. I hate dwelling. I hate reliving those time periods in my life. But now it feels different. I feel like I am in a place where I can discuss it to a degree without completely going into a catatonic state.
Without a doubt in my mind, PTSD and domestic violence go hand in hand. I’m getting better since Friday, I am doing things to try and forget it. I’m able to hold back the tears, the ache inside, the pains in my stomach, and the thoughts of it are diminishing.
You have to draw a line in your mind with you on one side and the incident on the other. Look over that line. Realize that you are on the safe side and you recognize that you are okay standing where you are. Look at that incident like you are watching it on tv. After it’s over, shut it off. It’s over and done with. You are standing over that line and you are okay and safe.
Next, look around you. You can breathe. You’re alive. You are going to have times in your life that even though you aren’t in that domestic violence relationship you were once in, you will encounter times that are going to make you feel like you are.
This probably sounds like I am allowing people to treat me the way I use to, no. This is called everyday life and people are going to have heated arguments, disagreements, and even though it affects you so severely, those doing the screaming and yelling don’t have any clue. They don’t know what you’ve been through. But you do and you can overcome any blip in the screen. Your heart is beating and you are okay.
How did I handle this you ask? Well after he left the room, I stood with my feet glued to the floor. It took at least a minute to move my rock feeling feet and rubber band legs again. I am resilient and I can get through this I said to myself. At first I was angry, no tears, just rage building up inside me. I was disappointed with myself. Then the tears and sobbing started. This is the first time someone made me feel like this since I left my last relationship 14 months ago. I felt like I needed to go runaway and hide like I’ve done before. I sat there and didn’t know what to do.
Right then, he walked in the room and sat down. Of course I was speechless. What do I do? How am I going to handle this again? But it wasn’t an “again.” He said to me that he wanted to apologize. He didn’t mean to scream at me like that. I felt a little relieved, not a lot, just a little. I responded with what I had to say and explained myself. It was just a measly miscommunication over something so trivial. I don’t think, I know he realized the way the way he approached me was uncalled for. We talked and I cried. I couldn’t help it. Through the sobs, I told him I am a strong woman. I am independent. He looked at me like I was nuts and didn’t understand what I was getting at. That’s okay though. Communication helped ME understand that not every situation is the same as it was before.
Even if it was a different situation, and it was the onset of another bad relationship, I have the knowledge and strength now to know the difference and exit from any toxic relationship that has the potential of infiltrating me.
Enough said. You too can overcome and defeat anything that comes your way. Just breathe. It’s going to be okay. You’re alive and able to get it right this time. Be thankful.