You’ll have one of those days DV survivor. It’s okay, just breathe.


I’d say a majority of my posts, probably all my posts are optimistic, upbeat, positive, and reinforcing, but Friday was a pretty bad day for me.

It set me back quite a bit. I’m not going to go into details because in the end it doesn’t matter. What matters is that being a DV survivor is how you bounce back and realize that you’ll have moments like this in life.

I haven’t had a bad day like that in approximately 14 months. The one on Friday was over a miscommunication between myself and another individual. The screaming began. Not me but him. I froze. My legs were like cement. I felt like I was actually going to faint. I listened and barely spoke and after that 3 minutes of that horrific moment, just like that, it was over.

I don’t post about being a domestic violence survivor because number one, I hate pity parties. I hate dwelling. I hate reliving those time periods in my life. But now it feels different. I feel like I am in a place where I can discuss it to a degree without completely going into a catatonic state.

Without a doubt in my mind, PTSD and domestic violence go hand in hand. I’m getting better since Friday, I am doing things to try and forget it. I’m able to hold back the tears, the ache inside, the pains in my stomach, and the thoughts of it are diminishing.

You have to draw a line in your mind with you on one side and the incident on the other. Look over that line. Realize that you are on the safe side and you recognize that you are okay standing where you are. Look at that incident like you are watching it on tv. After it’s over, shut it off. It’s over and done with. You are standing over that line and you are okay and safe.

Next, look around you. You can breathe. You’re alive.  You are going to have times in your life that even though you aren’t in that domestic violence relationship you were once in, you will encounter times that are going to make you feel like you are.

This probably sounds like I am allowing people to treat me the way I use to, no. This is called everyday life and people are going to have heated arguments, disagreements, and even though it affects you so severely, those doing the screaming and yelling don’t have any clue. They don’t know what you’ve been through. But you do and you can overcome any blip in the screen. Your heart is beating and you are okay.

How did I handle this you ask? Well after he left the room, I stood with my feet glued to the floor. It took at least a minute to move my rock feeling feet and rubber band legs again. I am resilient and I can get through this I said to myself. At first I was angry, no tears, just rage building up inside me. I was disappointed with myself. Then the tears and sobbing started. This is the first time someone made me feel like this since I left my last relationship 14 months ago. I felt like I needed to go runaway and hide like I’ve done before.  I sat there and didn’t know what to do.

Right then, he walked in the room and sat down. Of course I was speechless. What do I do? How am I going to handle this again? But it wasn’t an “again.” He said to me that he wanted to apologize. He didn’t mean to scream at me like that. I felt a little relieved, not a lot, just a little. I responded with what I had to say and explained myself. It was just a measly miscommunication over something so trivial. I don’t think, I know he realized the way the way he approached me was uncalled for. We talked and I cried. I couldn’t help it. Through the sobs, I told him I am a strong woman. I am independent.  He looked at me like I was nuts and didn’t understand what I was getting at.  That’s okay though. Communication helped ME understand that not every situation is the same as it was before.

Even if it was a different situation, and it was the onset of another bad relationship, I have the knowledge and strength now to know the difference and exit from any toxic relationship that has the potential of infiltrating me.

Enough said. You too can overcome and defeat anything that comes your way. Just breathe. It’s going to be okay. You’re alive and able to get it right this time. Be thankful.

 

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White out


Getting a late start today. Took boys to school and starting my workday with Mike in a few. They are calling for lake effect snow up to 8 inches. I’m wondering if I’ll be picking up my cherubs early today hmmm….

It looks like a definite white out now as I type and look through my bedroom window. Cold but so beautiful.

I’ll take some pics and upload today.

God I love New York.

Have a great day everyone and don’t give up on whatever it is you set out to do. The best reward is the feeling of accomplishment. It doesn’t matter how big or small the task, the important part of it is that you got it done.

Coffee, thinking, and thought for the day


Do what makes YOU happy…….

This might seem like a simple statement that people tend to think is so easy to accomplish but it goes a lot deeper, for me anyway.

Day 3 and I am still in my positive mode. I love it. I look at everything and everyone differently. It doesn’t mean that once in a while I might get off track but at least I am aware of it.

I’m staying focused on what my goals are.

I am taking people for what they are worth and throwing compassion into the mix as well.

I’m not running from finding my solutions to my problems.

I am just taking it day by day and I am not going to feel guilty about being simple or happy.

I finished up my last semester in December and just found out I made the Dean’s list again. I think my GPA is 3.28. Pretty sure that’s it. I have one class to finish up my associates and I am done!!!! I’ll be taking that probably in the next few months or whenever I can find a quick mini session to do it in.

Anyway, the key here is to stay focused and organized. You truly have to break things down to a simpler form and tackle whatever it is step by step and finish what you set out on accomplishing.

For me I just want to accomplish finding true peace and happiness which I think come hand in hand. I think people think you need material resources to find that peace and happiness but that is so not true. Getting rid of the material things around me and eliminating the stuff as well as people who are preventing me to do that is what is making me happy.

The first question you have to ask is; what makes you happy? I had to ask myself this question over and over again until I figured it out. For me it’s simple, the first answer is spending time with my family and doing for them. I can go on and on into the details and everything else that follows but I’m just trying to get my message across for those of you who might need direction.

Don’t feel guilty or bad about what makes you happy. I felt like my whole life I tried to conform to what everyone else thought the definition of happy should be and finally in my 40’sm, I figured it out what it is that I needed to be happy. Better late than never right? lol

This post might seem all over the board but once I figure out the pattern on how I want to get my messages across everything will fall into place a little bit better.

Enjoy the day everyone. I have to get mine started!!

 

 

Just looking for a miracle, one last time


All I want for this Christmas is peace. Plain and simple. Peace within the current relationship I am in now. That’s it. I’m giving him one more chance. He agreed that he will seek help for his anger and other issues he has going on and I am going to go with that for now only because it is Christmas.

I am a domestic violence survivor and I refuse to be a survivor again. I don’t want to go through what I went through before. I refuse to let my kids witness any form of abuse whatsoever. I went through physical, verbal, and mental abuse for 20 years and I am not going allow it again. I have been with him for 1 year now and putting it bluntly I don’t have the time to waste on worrying every second of my life. This is it. He has never hit me but the verbal aspect of it is debilitating at times. I’m not stupid or dependent on others. I just don’t walk away easily and give people the benefit of the doubt too much sometimes.

“He” is on notice so I am taking this minute by minute. He went through something traumatic at Christmas time when he was younger but that is no excuse because so did I and I never but the blame on anything or anyone else for my actions so he shouldn’t either.

Today is the day before Christmas eve. This is weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I hope my decision is right by giving him this last chance. If not, I’m out. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Please, please, please just give me this one Christmas miracle that all will go well. So far since our discussion last Friday it has been going okay but I’m at my wits end taking it min by min. I need peace.