This cycle


I want to change this cycle I have been in for the past 10+ years. I feel like I haven’t been doing what I should be doing or not where I should be in life. With that being said, since my last post I did get my Christmas miracle and all went well. Or as well as it could have been. For the most part it was peaceful. Was it because I kept the peace and if something was out of sorts I took the blame or just swept it under the carpet? I feel like I am holding my breath at times and it all went well until yesterday anyway.

I can’t help but get angry once in a while and say what I feel. This doesn’t sit well with him. In a nut shell I am supposed to take it because this is how he is especially when doing business and if everyone else does it means I should too. Am I being too sensitive? When he starts screaming at me or when I ask a simple question and if he isn’t in the perfect mood to talk to me, then I should just let it go when he blows up at me? I’m tired of thinking of the right way to handle this. I don’t make excuses for myself or play the martyr. On a daily basis with him that is what I contend with. I can’t take it anymore. Get over with what happened to you 43 years ago. Get over who did wrong in life and all the bad relationships you’ve had. This is life. Life is a cycle and if we harbor all that went wrong it will destroy us in the end. Why can’t people realize this??? If I held on to everything that went wrong in my life starting at age 6, the stress and memories from all of it would have killed me ten times over.

I wish for nothing more than for this to be my best year ever. No fighting, no screaming, no threats, just peace.

Just looking for a miracle, one last time


All I want for this Christmas is peace. Plain and simple. Peace within the current relationship I am in now. That’s it. I’m giving him one more chance. He agreed that he will seek help for his anger and other issues he has going on and I am going to go with that for now only because it is Christmas.

I am a domestic violence survivor and I refuse to be a survivor again. I don’t want to go through what I went through before. I refuse to let my kids witness any form of abuse whatsoever. I went through physical, verbal, and mental abuse for 20 years and I am not going allow it again. I have been with him for 1 year now and putting it bluntly I don’t have the time to waste on worrying every second of my life. This is it. He has never hit me but the verbal aspect of it is debilitating at times. I’m not stupid or dependent on others. I just don’t walk away easily and give people the benefit of the doubt too much sometimes.

“He” is on notice so I am taking this minute by minute. He went through something traumatic at Christmas time when he was younger but that is no excuse because so did I and I never but the blame on anything or anyone else for my actions so he shouldn’t either.

Today is the day before Christmas eve. This is weighing heavily on my mind and heart. I hope my decision is right by giving him this last chance. If not, I’m out. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Please, please, please just give me this one Christmas miracle that all will go well. So far since our discussion last Friday it has been going okay but I’m at my wits end taking it min by min. I need peace.

 

Snowy thoughts


Just summing up from yesterday, even though we did not have the boys or Alisha(and we were bumming from time to time about that) our day turned out pretty good. We had awesome food with some beautiful people. No stress, no fuss and that is exactly how it should be. I hope everyone else had a great day as well.
I am going to ramble on again so here it goes. You have to stop and think about what is your life all about? What’s happening that is good and bad? And, which parts of those occurrences are self-induced? I can’t say I had this epiphany just recently or not even in the past 10 years but my personal revelation of being happy with what I have has always been my number one priority. I feel that what God has given me now is a blessing and that primarily being in my book, is life. Anything else is icing on the cake. I listen to the people around me talk and I can see sadness and anguish on their faces. Think about what is causing that and what is the best solution to eliminate it. Life isn’t always going to go according as planned but working with what you have and making the best out if it is sometimes the answer to your problems.
The worst possible thing that could happen to me is my mom passing a couple of years ago. I still grieve over it but it is one of those things that was totally out of my control and inevitable. Some things in life like death you cannot change so the best thing to do is just roll with those feelings and eventually the pain will ease up some and you move on. I hate to be so cut and dry about it but it’s the truth, sad and painful at times, but true.
Where am I going with all this???? Oh okay yup I remember….in the end all the roller coaster of emotions and life’s ups and downs will eventually pay off. Whatever is going to be will be and if it isn’t what truly makes you happy then change it. Don’t take this life for granted. I know I won’t. Not now, not ever, and not for anyone. I have gold in my hands and even though it isn’t perfect I wouldn’t trade my life for anything in this world. I am so blessed.
Once again a new year is upon us. Start over and consciously make that effort to change what is wrong. I still have a lot of changes to make to get to where I want to be but it’s a process as life always is. Some changes are by all means not easy to make, like the ones I have ahead of me, but as time passes you will realize by making those changes you did the right thing to get to where you have to be and that is happy, and happy doesn’t cost a thing!!
Have a great day everyone. I’m sure I’ll be making another longwinded post again before Christmas. If my posts helps anyone out there who might need reassurance that everything will work out in the end, then I’m okay with that and if there are those of you that think I’m just plain nuts, then so be it! Lol!
“Life is good. Work hard, be humble, and most of all be kind to one another.” Oh and remember, “happy doesn’t cost a thing.” Love that saying!