She’s gone

my mom died day before yesterday.she asked me to go get her a few things from the store and when i got there i found her in her bed. the pain is indescribable. she was my best friend. i don’t even know how to put my feelings into this blog. there is really nothing that can describe my pain right now. everything is all fuzzy i haven’t slept and ive been cleaning since 4 a.m. i never ever clean she would have been impressed she was definitely ocd in the best way she loved her home so much of course no mom is ever perfect but she was always always there for me. she busted my chops and drove me absolutely insane at times but a couple of hours later we acted like nothing even happened.  what am i going to do without her how am i going to do this? how am i going to be without her? i never thought this day would come i always told her she would be pissing on my grave for sure. we could talk to each other like that she was my best friend. every time we went to the casino or we did something we knew for sure my sisters would never approve of, he motto was, we could be dead tomorrow, she always said that i have a text from her last week saying that exact thing. i locked all my messages from her. i can’t stand this void in my life. we could be dead tomorrow. i need to hear he say that again. i need to go to the casino with her one last time and sit at the buffet with her and gossip about everyone and everything. there is so much i’m going to miss, her bringing me all her good finds from goodwill and salvation army. she would call me from her cell phone in a whispering voice and say jeana you’re not going to believe what i found and i’d say oh cool take a picture i want to see it and 8 mins later i’d get the pic. over the last 6 months or so i tolerated all her little trinkets she brought me i use to get so mad because my house would we overstocked with little boxes, salt and pepper shakers, pictures, just everything but i felt this coming on. i said yea ma i’ll take whatever you find. we loved the casino we’d do our usual routine, go get our free play, go to the buffet, and sit and bullshit for hours just like we did on the car ride. my best friend is gone. i feel like i should have been there more for her. i should have been nicer and i should have spent more time with her. i tried and maybe i should have tried harder.

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